Thursday 26 May 2016

Showing Restraint...

Do you think it's possible to take out a restraining order against your own kids? If so, I'm thinking about applying.

My kids have a perfectly pleasant middle class existence. They live in a nice house with a garden which is just around the corner from the park. They each have their own room, the 3 year old is having a new exciting bed delivered tomorrow. They have three solid meals a day including pudding, snacks and juice. They take part in activities such as swimming, tennis and lacrosse. Grandma is taking them to Blackpool for the weekend tomorrow and they even have their own annual passes to Legoland.

But apparently, this isn't good enough.

After having a (jokey) conversation with hubby about how I'm the only girl in the house and think it's about time we finally get a lock on the bathroom door, I waved him goodbye to a fun filled evening at a Radiohead gig in London. I imagined a peaceful evening of reading, writing and a cheeky glass of wine.

How wrong could I be?

Firstly, the 3 year old took great exception to leaving his friends house and so decided to jump on the furniture and generally act like a little sh1t (this is mum code to use around kids who can't spell...) Neither the threat of the naughty step or going on amber worked - in fact, both options seemed highly hilarious to him. After finally dragging him out of the house, somehow managing not to drop him on his head in the process, it then took me another five or so minutes to strap him into the car seat.

There I was, arse hanging out of a fully opened car door trying desperately to prevent myself getting kicked in the head with a plastic minion shoe. When I eventually got them off his feet he took to throwing them at me instead. As cars sped past behind my behind I idly wondered whether spending the evening in hospital would be a better option...

The 3 year old kept up the tantrum for a good hour, demanding to be driven back to his friends house long after we had arrived home and the door safely locked behind us. 

In the meantime, the 8 year old needed feeding. I hastily threw together the most random tea ever (a cheese sandwich and sweet potato tagliatelle if you're interested) and plonked it down in front of him to go try and reason with the 3 year old. Two minutes later, "Mum, can I have pudding?" 

"One, two, three..." I counted to myself very quietly, placing a pot of rice pudding in front of the 8 year old. "This isn't what I had in mind," came the reply.

Up until this point I'm not sure I understood that phrase about the red mist descending...

Thus followed an incredibly dramatic performance from the 8 year old worthy of one or two BAFTA's. Apparently I should stop buying rice pudding, it's the worst thing ever, why can't he have something else, it's not fair, you're always doing this to me, scream, shout, kick, stamp etc. etc.

Needless to say this went on for some time. The only positive thing to come from this was that the 3 year old found the whole thing so amusing he cheered up, agreed to get dressed for bed and settled down with some milk. 

After several failed attempts at apologising to me, mainly because each time he immediately asked for a biscuit and milk and stamped and screamed a bit more each time the answer came back as no, the 8 year old finally cried himself to sleep.

Now, it's at this point that I start to feel guilty. Chastising myself for not handling the situation better, after all I'm the adult etc. But after assessing the fridge situation it became apparent that the only thing for tea was a vegetable stir fry and there was no wine in the fridge.

So here I am, venting my frustration at you after a thoroughly disappointing plate of veg and no wine. 

The only consolation? I'm drinking hubby's beer!


2 comments:

  1. You did WHAT? 😉 Almost the weekend...

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